Life Is a Serious Business Read online

  © 2010 ANNE BUTLER

  Illustrations by RORY BYRNE

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form or by any means—graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or information storage and retrieval systems—without the prior written permission of the author.

  ISBN: 978-1-908024-11-4

  A cip catalogue for this book is available from the National Library.

  Published by ORIGINAL WRITING LTD., Dublin, 2010.

  Printed by CAHILL PRINTERS LIMITED, Dublin.

  Dedicated to Lily

  Acknowledgements

  I wish to thank Dermot, Mark and Sarah for their support and good cheer.

  In addition Rory for the wonderful illustrations, Stuart for his assistance with editing and Garrett and Steven at Original Writing for their professionalism.

  INTRODUCTION

  I never read the introduction. Do you?

  I always think it has nothing to do with the contents.

  But what are you doing home?

  I thought you would be out with your friends.

  You’ve been grounded. That seems a little unfair.

  Maybe Mum and Dad misunderstood.

  Gosh what a lovely room. I see you like Ronaldo.

  What a co-incidence.

  What music do you like? I love Meatloaf. He’s so raw.

  I’m still trying to develop a taste for Kesha,

  But maybe you could enlighten me another day.

  By the way I notice you are wearing odd socks.

  Good for you,

  I love an independent thinker.

  Could you do one thing for me before we start?

  Thank you, you are so kind.

  Even if you don’t like some of my offerings,

  I would appreciate if you didn’t refer to them as gross,

  That is, unless in terms of the profit.

  What? You are not too familiar with the term gross profit?

  Gosh you really are an innocent.

  What have they been teaching you in school?

  Why don’t you ask Mum and Dad.

  They will be so delighted that you are taking an interest

  In the business they will forget all about the little

  misunderstanding.

  Trust me Junior. What have you got to lose?

  Oh, one more thing, take a look at the poem entitled

  The Generation Gap,

  I have hidden nine classical composers in the first verse.

  You are clever, you should be able to unravel them.

  There I have given one away already.

  Have a go and I‘ll just pop down to the kitchen

  to speak to Mum.

  Don’t worry I’ll be back.

  Oh there you are Mum. How did I know you would be

  in the kitchen?

  Listen, we have a little to do to get organized.

  I need your undivided attention for a while.

  Do trust me on this one.

  The baby is just fed so he won’t bother us.

  The children are a little trickier.

  We’ll let them watch a DVD in the Sitting Room.

  No, the Lion King is too tame.

  Ben Hur is three hours long.

  That should keep them occupied.

  Remember the chariot scene? All that muscle.

  Just this once let them have popcorn,

  crisps and cans of coke in the Sitting Room.

  What no cans in the Sitting Room?

  No Mum, you cannot give the nine year old

  the baby’s training beaker.It’s not cool.

  I have a suggestion.

  You know the milkshakes you buy and end up taking home

  as they only take one sip?

  Yes, those cups you wash out

  and hope they will be useful some day?

  Well perfect, so are we agreed?

  Where’s your partner?

  He’s in the garage. What’s he doing there?

  Creating. Oh that’s fine. He’ll be ages.

  The cat? Sorry I don’t have one I can’t help you there.

  The dog? He’s new so I’m not so sure.

  Let’s just put him in the utility room.

  Now Mum, I was going to suggest we stay in the kitchen

  but it’s a bit too familiar.

  Let’s go into the bathroom. What lovely foam bath!

  I’ll turn on the taps. Try the lavender pearls.

  Why don’t you get in and I’ll run down to the kitchen

  for a glass of wine. Oh go on.

  Shall we? Why not? I’ll be back in a minute.

  Granny is that you?

  I popped down to get Mum a glass of wine but listen

  I need to speak to you.

  Are you comfortable? Why don’t I light the oil burner?

  Will lavender be okay?

  No, Granny not lemongrass, I don’t want you too alert.

  Nice nail polish.

  What colour is it? It’s Mum’s but she doesn’t use it.

  Why ever not?

  She cannot reach. She’s eight months pregnant.

  Why doesn’t she ask the creator in the garage,

  he might surprise her.

  Granny will you excuse me please.

  I have to go into the garage.

  Hello there. What are you doing?

  It really is lovely but it’s not very comfortable in here is it?

  Why don’t we go up into the attic.

  I need to be alone with you.

  Now don’t protest I know you told the planning authorities

  it was converted storage space but this is me remember,

  I’m not going to tell anyone, honestly.

  Gosh these stairs are steep.

  What a lovely futon. May I sit down?

  It’s really comfortable, please join me.

  Why don’t you take off your shoes.

  Well, I never, You are wearing odd socks. I’m very impressed.

  I like a man who knows his own mind.

  Just look at the view and the stars.

  Would you excuse me for a moment?

  There is someone else I need to speak to.

  There you are Granddad in the Dining Room.

  What’s that? Where’s everyone?

  Well, Junior is in his room studying classical composers,

  the children are watching a classic Mum likes,

  Mum is taking time out, Dad is viewing the universe from a

  different angle and Granny, well you know Granny,

  she’s quite content.

  What do you mean “What is the world coming to?”

  Don’t knock it, Granddad,

  You are the one nearest the drinks cabinet.

  Speaking of which, why don’t we have a drink before we start?

  Oh alright, Granddad, purely for medicinal purposes.

  Junior, we all know you don’t drink at home,

  you can have a diet coke. Granny, you’re fine aren’t you?

  Dad, if you think I am going to traipse all the way

  up to the attic with a beer...

  Would you mind Junior, you have youth on your side?

  By the way would you knock on the bathroom door and

  see if Mum would like another glass of wine.

  Trust me Junior.

  I know nobody smokes but just in case you feel like one later.

  Would it be possible to do one more thing for me before we start?

  At this rate it will be three o’ clock before we start.

  Who said that?

  Well, thank you for reminding me to check the alarm.

  Now w
here was I before I was interrupted?

  Oh Yes, I may have waxed lyrical in some instances

  but what I couldn’t put into prose I put into poetry.......

  ROLE REVERSAL

  I never do the Lotto and never gamble,

  Because I know the odds are stacked.

  One day, some years ago, visiting home,

  Dad said,” I bought a ticket today,

  For the local GAA.”

  “How much?”

  “One hundred pounds,” he replied.

  “What! You cannot be serious!

  Don’t you know the odds are stacked?”

  “Well you know the old adage,” he shrugged,

  “If you’re not in, you cannot win.”

  Two weeks later, raffle results,

  Guess who wins?

  Were you ever lost for words?

  Now I occasionally do the Lotto,

  But never gamble,

  Well, nearly never!

  FOOTBALL FASCINATION

  What is this fascination with football?

  The six –year- old in our house loves Ronaldo,

  The nine- year- old will entertain no other profession,

  Than to make his mark and millions performing.

  Not a bit like adults really.

  On the other hand, what better way to do or say:

  Than work together as a team,

  To strive for the ultimate goal,

  Through hard work and sweat and tears

  And having fun along the way?

  What more could I wish for?

  And the millions might help.

  OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES

  Why do children never wear what we like?

  “Why don’t you wear that nice skirt

  I bought you in Sweden”---

  “No.”

  “Wear one of those lovely dresses

  you got for your birthday”---

  “No.”

  “Well, what will you wear?”

  “I want to wear my school tracksuit.”

  “But it is worn and it is the school holidays.”

  “No, I want to wear my school tracksuit!”

  Why, oh why will children never what We like?

  Same day, by chance I see the shoes I’ve always wanted,

  Expensive, but they say poverty is only in the mind.

  Who are these They?

  My bank manager might disagree, buy them anyway.

  Returning home,” Do you like my new shoes?” I ask.

  “No.”

  “That’s okay, because I like them.”

  Next morning, unable to decide,

  High shoe, left foot, new shoe, right foot,

  “Which shoe should I wear?” I think aloud,

  Not realising two pools of blue are watching.

  A voice of innocence replies:

  “Wear the ones I don’t like, Mummy. “

  STAY AT HOME

  They say I should stay at home with my children.

  Who are these They?

  I decided to confront this once and for all

  and consult the nine- year- old.

  He was having a shower at the time.

  I knocked on the bathroom door and said,

  “May I come in?”

  “Certainly, Mum” came the reply,

  I entered and said,

  “If I ask you a question will you answer me honestly?”

  “Of course, Mum” as his face appeared from

  behind the shower curtain.

  “Do you feel deprived because I am not at home?”

  He said, most innocently,

  “Gosh Mum, why ever would you think that?”

  Then he disappeared just as quickly.

  Did I detect a little chuckle or was it the creaking shower?

  Why did I feel that was the wrong answer?

  Maybe, these They that say we should,

  know something I don’t,

  Or maybe it’s time to replace the creaking shower,

  I always knew it was suspect.

  RASCAL

  We had a new arrival in our household today,

  Of the canine variety-four legs and a tail.

  It was a democratic decision.

  I was all of a tizzy.

  Should I clean up the house?

  Tidy the wardrobe or dust in the corners?

  What would she think of us?

  Would she approve?

  When we went to collect her

  She was very polite.

  We received our instructions

  And listened intently to every word.

  We returned home all excited,

  I think she really liked us and felt right at home.

  The first thing she did

  Was leave her card on my mat

  BEAVER I

  I am a Beaver leader in the Catholic Boy Scouts of Ireland.

  Surprised? Don’t be,

  They’re not really fussy who they admit anymore.

  How did it all begin?

  Well, when my son was six,

  I thought it would be character building

  For him to join an organisation of fun

  And games and great outdoors.

  But like a great many things in life

  You have to do them yourself.

  So that’s what we did,

  Three other mums and me.

  Now people say “Aren’t you wonderful!”

  But I’m quite selfish really,

  Where else could I play games,

  Talk to my peers and eat the kind of food

  My mother wouldn’t let me?

  BEAVER 2

  One thing I can say with absolute certainty,

  Is that the uniform for the CBSI

  Was not designed by Jacob Schlaepfer.

  For the uninitiated, Jacob Schlaepfer is a design partner of

  Yves Saint Laurent, La Croix and Prada.

  Now its fine for the Beavers, Cubs and Scouts and

  Even Venturers

  They have youth on their side.

  But we more discerning ladies, who look stunningly casual,

  Occasionally require a little assistance,

  To accentuate our more attractive attributes.

  I’ve tried everything

  Shoulder pads, alternative neck attire,

  But to no avail.

  Please Catholic Boy Scouts of Ireland,

  Venture a little capital

  And keep abreast of the changing times.

  BEAVER 3

  Sunny, summers evening,

  Taking the Beavers for a walk down Greenlea Road.

  It has been one of those days

  When some little thing has been sent to try you.

  Do you have days like that too? Really?

  I mutter to myself “Not my baggage!”

  When a little voice says:

  “May I carry that for you Miss?”

  And I realise I am carrying the First Aid case.

  I try to explain it is not that type of baggage,

  More like a hang up.

  He looks at me, most perplexed.

  “Do you know what a hang up is?” I ask.

  “No” he says,

  His beautiful brown eyes mirroring his reply.

  “How old are you?” I ask.

  “Six” he replies.

  Gosh I could have hugged him,

  Only sadly I’m not allowed.

  Sometimes I wish I were six.

  FAMINE OR FEAST

  What is it in our state

  That makes us over calculate?

  Is it a throwback to famine days of yore,

  When scarcity and want were all the score?

  When I am peeling potatoes you see,

  I always allow an extra two or three,

  In case of an unexpected guest,

  Or the children might surprise us yet.

  I don’t have this problem with the humble crisp,
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  There never seems to be enough or it.

  This is not a matter I will have to ponder,

  If the recession goes on much longer.

  THE GENERATION GAP

  Most art is relative,

  Please sit and listen a moment:

  It behoves us to try,

  Scoff, see if we care.

  Is rock man enough

  To unravel the beauty?

  Often back before beat less days….

  But you’re not listening!

  Okay Bro,

  What did Meatloaf mean when he said:

  “I will do anything for love,

  But I won’t do that?”

  Well, at least I tried to resist,

  Tell me man, handle and list.

  Two out of three ain’t bad.

  WHERE DO OLD CARS GO WHEN THEY DIE?

  Please don’t tell me,

  I really don’t need to know.

  I prefer to think of my old faithful friends,

  Retiring to a quiet peaceful place,

  Attended to by kind,sensitive hands,

  With an endless supply of oils,

  To soothe their creaking joints.

  Base oils…..

  Almond and Basil and Walnut,

  Sesame and Apricot and Pine,

  Bay and Juniper and Marjoram,

  Melissa and Myrrh and Peach

  Endless…

  So you see, I really don’t need to ask, I know!

  Goodbye, old faithful friends,

  My faith is restored, my system is balanced,

  Knowing that you rest in peace and harmony

  FEMINIST

  There are two things in life that really please me,

  One is that I live in a democracy.

  The other one I like to quote,

  Is the right to exercise my vote.

  The Feminist Movement has much to their credit,

  But sometimes I wonder if they ever get tired.

  I know I do,

  With deadlines and laundry and P 30’s too.

  A time and motion study of my life showed me,

  That there aren’t enough hours in the day left free,

  To smell the roses or play with the dog,

  Or to contemplate walking barefoot in a country bog.

  So Feminist Movement of the 21st Century,

  Do you think you would mind terribly?

  If I were to take a little break

  And have a double espresso macchiato and cake?