Life Is a Serious Business Page 2
ELECTION
I’m standing for the next election,
Please won’t you vote for me?
For animals on farms everywhere
And to advocate the wearing of odd socks.
I once knew a girl called Monique
Who wore two odd socks,
In fact I tell a lie, she wore four,
Two on her right foot and two on her left.
Well it was wintertime after all.
I asked her why one day
And she replied that it saved time.
Now years later, we must stand up and be counted!
I feel so strongly about this issue,
I cannot suspend action any longer!
Comrades, if I may be so bold,
Why should we be brainwashed?
I must raise public awareness
To the importance of this issue.
So much time and energy is wasted
And why? I ask myself,
Who dictates?
Who says we have to conform?
You see it was fine when I only had myself to support,
But all that is behind me now,
And with the advent of new technology
And increased dependency,
So much time and energy is spent
in the pursuit of the elusive.
Invariably, when I finally find
what it is I am looking for,
To quote from one of our most famous classifications,
The solution is so full of flaws,
It defeats the purpose
For which it was intended.
Comrades, all I can aspire to,
Is that your sentiments match mine.
The rest I leave up to you.
MY WORST NIGHTMARE
I have a confession to make,
I never work late.
Now I could feign derision
And say,” it’s a conscious decision,”
But I confess that’s not the case,
To attract attention fills me with dread,
But at least it has now been said.
Look, let’s be adult about this
And look at the absolute worst case scenario.
How many permutations and combinations
Are there to a security code?
Okay, I accept that, I’ll try.
Key in code-Run for door-Tick Tick Tick
Lock door-Pull down shutter-Tick Tick Tick
Lock shutter-Tick Tick Tick
Horrors-Key won’t turn-Tick Tick Tick
Realization key won’t turn-Tick Tick Tick
Reverse procedure-Open shutter-Unlock door-Tick
Tick Tick
Run for alarm box-What’s the code?-
What’s the code?-Tick Tick Tick
Hurry!-Guess!-Key in code-Phew! Just made it!
Okay okay-Calm down-Calm down-Try again.
But don’t you understand?
The key won’t turn!-The key won’t turn!
I’m on a treadmill
It’s three o’clock in the morning and the key won’t turn.
Tick Tick Tick……….
The powers that be tell me that locking the shutter
does not affect the alarm but I don’t believe them.
MAKING ENDS MEET
I was once called a greedy capitalist,
At the age of thirty three.
I thought I had to be at least forty,
Before it applied to me.
My initial reaction was to exclaim!
But then, I thought,
“Why should I lower myself to his level?”
THE TWINS I
I visited an accountant friend of mine today.
Yes, dear reader, he is also a man,
His wife has just had twins.
He seemed a little tired,
I asked him if he was overdoing it.
He said the difficulty with twins was
It was like having one baby except it was always your turn.
I suggested he keep two bottles in the fridge
In case of competition.
Then we got down to discussing more serious matters,
Like Sanity and Vanity.
He protested but I insisted,
Why can’t I have both?
THE TWINS 2
Cosmopolitan city, International sales meeting,
Invitation to multi-currency dinner,
First visit, seated beside Managing Director overall.
On his left, American representative,
She looked a bit like Jerry Hall,
Why oh why are Americans so tall?
Next to her, Swedish gentleman,
Performance quite respectable.
On his left, English representative,
I know we once had parity,
But alas, there ends the similarity.
Well, after all, his population is sixty four million,
And on my right, Norwegian gentleman,
who dines with heads of state.
“How is Ireland?” my host politely asks,
“Wet.” I reply.
“And business?”
“Well the market is limited” I say, matter of factly,
Never apologetically,
“Ah Ireland, such wonderful golf courses.”
“What’s your handicap?”
“Eight,” he replies,
“And you?”
I know the maximum is twenty four,
But I could think of a million more.
Why, oh why must I relinquish
My aspirations for Vanity
In my pursuit of Sanity!
Yes, I now know the maximum is thirty six,
But twenty four better depicts.
MARKET GAP
I had a visitor today,
He was of the accountant variety.
Now I thought accountants were sensible,
Stable sorts of fellows.
But he had a present for me,
A ticket for a flat race,
A competition! Wonderful.
Unfortunately, as the party in question
Was the stables leading light,
The odds were nearly even.
“There may be a gap in the market,” I said.
“But is there a market in the gap?”
VERSATILITY
If you wish to publish a book of verse,
You must look at its viability.
My accountants say authors are tax exempt- wonderful,
Serious poets aren’t in it for the money,
So that poses absolutely no threat to me.
The publisher, he is a lovely man,
But he cannot be expected to publish it for the good of my health,
He has bills to pay.
The wholesale distributor, I haven’t met him yet,
Requires a percentage of the proceeds
And the shops have to make a profit.
The old law of supply and demand applies
And it is important to market the product correctly.
Do stop me if any of this sounds even remotely familiar.
I succumb,
On second thoughts,
I think I will speak to my accountant again.
WEST LINK
How do you cross a toll bridge with no cash?
Returning home from foreign trip,
Jet lagged,
Cannot find car in Dublin airport car park.
Ridiculous!
How could you possibly lose a bright red car in broad daylight?
Fifteen minutes later, Eureka!
It was there all the time!
Travelling home by West Link reach toll bridge,
Horrors! Swiss francs but no cash!
How do you cross a toll bridge with no cash?
Crash through barrier?
Oh act your age!
Go into the office to explain.
“Sterling?”
“No, but
I have Swiss francs?”
“Sorry, the banks don’t take foreign currency.”
Strange one that?
Try again,
“Credit card?”
Silly question really.
Well, how do you cross a toll bridge with no cash?
“Please leave your name and pay next time.”
Oh! Escape at last!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Going through booth,
Attractive young man with a sunny smile says,
“Are you the lady with no cash?”
“Yes” I reply, with a wave and a grin.
West Link, my friend, I owe you one.
Sad to say,
The sunny smile has gone away,
The toll booth has got the boot
And my friend, the West Link, is now mute.
HAPPY IS WHAT HAPPY DOES
Executive suit, time system, mobile phone,
Meeting over, lunchtime, return to car,
Lucky just made the meter.
Go over itinerary for Gothenburg trip, connecting flight,
Just time to return to office for urgent messages.
“Minded your car for you Missus!”
Through the car window,
A ragamuffin with a cheeky grin.
“Go away, I don’t have time.”
He goes away, but glancing out the rear view mirror,
I notice an older boy approaching him, threateningly, it seems.
Second thoughts, Christian moment, get out of car.
“Do you make much money at this?” I enquire casually.
“ Sure do, I made €5.00 today,” offers the older, eating chips.
“ Me too” says the cheeky faced youngster,
“ I made €3.00.”
“ Please may I have a chip?” I ask.
“ Sure, go ahead.”
I help myself,
Surprise, delicious, Burdocks best.
“ What do you do with the money?”
Envisaging desperate need and squalor.
“ I’m saving for pocket money for my holidays”
“ Where are you going?” I enquire.
“ America.” (I’m going to Kerry)
“ We normally go to Spain.” (I go to Kerry)
Dearest friends in Kerry, please forgive.
“ But enjoyed America so much, last year we’re going again.”
“ Really, but why are you not in school?”
“ It got burned down”
And then ensues the saga of the school fire,
Regaled in all its glory.
But time is marching on,
Prefabs will be in place tomorrow,
So back to school.
“ I have got to go,” I say, but here is 50cents.
No response.
“ What do you say?”
The cheeky faced one says “Thank you” with a grin.
“ And thank you for the chips” I say.
And as I walk away with a wave, I think,
Who’s more attuned?
MATRIX
One and one is two.
I think that’s true. Do you?
But sometimes I suspect, I may not be right,
Things are not always that black and white.
Take the building site domain,
It really is a most creative plain.
If I might question a bit,
How hot is it?
I don’t mean to be a bother,
But it really does depend on the weather.
Temperature control is an important fact,
Otherwise it might expand or contract.
What direction is it facing?
And before you ask if I am joking,
It’s the aspect you see,
Light can affect it totally.
Does anything obscure its view?
But I see I am beginning to lose you…..
Very well, let’s get back to the matrix,
One and one is two. Basic!
STILETTO HEELS
Building sites have strict codes of dress,
Health and safety regulations, I guess.
Hard hats, high visibility jackets,
Regulation footwear are all grave matters.
Common sense prevails,
Most all the days.
But sometimes one goes amiss,
And forgets to pack the important bits.
Don’t despair!
Site hut have some to spare.
Regulation footwear, mens size sevens?
No ladies sizes? Oh good heavens!
My boots are Italian leather, would they comply
Even if the stiletto heels are a little awry?
Freddie, the floor man, had just that day,
Laid the floor to allow the way,
Two planks of wood and a gap between,
Precisely to accommodate a stiletto heel.
Normally, in this domain,
One easily negotiates the terrain,
But with each step forward, I caught my heel,
And had to reverse more than proceed.
Now Biceps Bert, though focused on the job in hand,
Could multitask, most unlike a man.
He watched me renegotiate the terrain
And in a rather loud refrain,
Shouted for all to hear:
“Health and safety man’s worst fear!”
Each choice we make has repercussions,
So leave the stilettos for more social functions.
There is little semblance of truth in this script,
Current health & safety regulations are far too strict.
HIGH VISABILITY
You can’t beat the classics,
I trust you agree,
I have one in my wardrobe,
That means much to me.
Now before you ask
If it’s Gucci or Chanel,
I must admit,
I am a little reticent to tell.
The fabric is inherent,
Not cotton nor linen.
So I don’t have to worry,
If the weather is chilly.
A classic, you may agree,
Is not dictated to by trends,
The colour is consistent,
In all its fluorescent blends.
When one enters a room,
A statement to make,
High visibility yet understated,
Is the effect to create.
One should never reinvent the wheel,
But there is always room for improvement I feel.
No pockets are a bit of a dilemma,
Where on earth do I house my tape measure?
I wonder if Armani might consider deviation
And suggest some high visibility jacket modification?
HARD HAT
We should not hate, say the powers that be,
But I hate hats and they hate me.
I only deviate from this refrain,
When I visit a building site domain.
We have a history my hat and me,
I wasn’t first choice and neither was he.
The inside section adjusts to fit,
But the outside part swivels a bit.
On building sites, one tries to impress.
But that can prove difficult when your hat’s heading west.
Now people say I should purchase another,
But they come in such a limited range of colour.
Granny didn’t have my problem,
She had hat pins you see,
Twenty five centimetres long
And legendary.
I wonder if Philip Tracy might assist,
What if we were to perforate it?
VACANT GAPE
Building sites have very strict codes,
The deadline date is one of those.
As every sensible subcontractor knows,
Beyond that date he never goes.
Fit out re
flected,
Designs selected,
Finishes chosen,
Fabrics woven,
Workroom a hive of industry,
The rest is just perfunctory.
As the deadline day approaches, I phone Norman,
The building site foreman
And ask for a time, in the deadline schedule,
The rails and curtains to assemble.
He insists “No,” but I persist,
He persists “No,” but I insist.
After much time elapse,
We have reached a serious impasse.
“Give me one concrete reason why I cannot fit!”
“Because the window will have no glass in it!”
Is nothing in life sacrosanct?
BUILDING SITE NARRATIVE
The following offering requires a little introduction.
Building sites are busy places,
Lots and lots of interesting faces,
Please permit me to introduce you to a few:
Sammy, the screed man, lays floors.
It was Monday and he was not in a good mood.
He had a silly row with his wife over the weekend
and for the life of him,
he couldn’t even remember what it was about.
The row had really upset him.
Sammy is a gentle sort of fellow,
Who doesn’t like confrontation.
He had a spirit level but he just couldn’t focus
on the job in hand……
Now Freddy, the fan coil man, was in great form.
He was radiating at an entirely different frequency.
He had just returned from a meditation weekend and
was finally beginning to find himself.
In the greater scheme of things what matter that
he positioned
the radiators a little further out from the window
than originally intended?
Alan, the alarm box man, was in a foul humour.
Monday had really started out badly for him.
His car wouldn’t start and he had to get the bus
which made him late for work and to top it all of,
it was raining.
He had to wait to find out how much the car repairs
would cost.
He was so preoccupied with his difficulties
he didn’t realise he had fitted the alarm boxes outside
the window ope
and not inside, like he normally did.
Don, the duct man, installs air conditioning systems.